Member-only story
HUMOR
I Tried to Get Rid of My Face Crabs
Now they’re angry
I’ve got crabs. On my face.
Not actual scuttley crabs — they look like spiders and I would just flat out die.
These are white, round crabs. The first one popped up a few months ago and obviously, I ignored it. But then the second and third followed, so I took to the internet in search of a cure.
When I googled “face crabs” I was shown a species of crab that looks like it has a human face. And then I had to remove all of my brain cells to unsee it.
After a more sensible search, I self-diagnosed the face crabs as Milia (milk spots), which are small cysts that could slip off on their own or could stick around for eternity.
I’m pretty sure you get them from motorboating a fuck ton of milk and/ or being an asshole.
Several sources suggested using a chemically exfoliator to help remove them, so I threw out my natural exfoliator and bought one full of pesticides in the hopes of burning off my crabs.
After a month, there was no change. So I tried a different exfoliator and then…