DATING HUMOR

I Went On My First Date in Ten Years

Obviously, I made it weird

Photo by Good Faces on Unsplash

It’s been ten years this month since I met my ex-husband and went on what I thought was my last first date.

At least that mistake only cost me a decade of my life.

Nearly three years after leaving him and several months after our divorce was finalized, I decided I might, sort of, be ready to date again.

So, I got onto a dating app, a place where mental health and civilised behavior go to die. And after getting into the “talking stage” with a bunch of twats, I quit. Then I started again, quit again, considered starting a cult with a festive name, and started again.

Ray was the first dating app guy to ask me out on a date. I was alarmed. We don’t do that, Ray.

In my deluded state, I agreed to the date. But the next morning, I realized that I’d rather have dicks for hands than speak to people. So, I hastily retracted my agreement and told Ray I had fallen in love with a peddler and was taking up a life on the road.

Soon after, Ben asked me if I wanted to meet him. I didn’t. But in a moment of bravery, I said yes, and we discussed a drink the following weekend. When he tried to lock in a day and time, flashbacks of marriage fuckery plagued me…