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FUCKERY

Our Elf is a Prick

Things can only get worse

Claire Franky

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An elf ornament with a blurred Christmas tree behind it.
Dickhead. Photo by Herbert Goetsch on Unsplash

The first mistake was buying the little shit.

The second was believing it would tame a three-year-old.

I’ve used the Elf on the Shelf before as a teacher. I hated it. The creepy little fuck had cannibal eyes and the grin of a bellend. But every other teacher in the school was using it. I could hardly be the only class not participating, especially since I’d already earned the reputation of being “negative”.

Tossers.

I swore that the elf would be banned in my house when I had my own kids. But then my daughter turned three and I learned what hell really is. The flame thrower that is Christmas excitement made it worse. Much worse.

So out of desperation, I bought a fucking elf.

With gritted teeth, I moved the elf to a different location each night for my daughter to find each morning. It watched her each day, studying her behavior and reporting back to Santa.

I had grand plans for her miraculous change in behavior. She would be so concerned with getting on the nice list, that she’d stop the fuckery.

Instead, she added an extra scoop of fuckery.

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