She Has a Hard-On for Swimming Lessons

The woman has no chill when it comes to chlorine

Claire Franky
3 min readNov 27, 2023


Photo by Haley Phelps on Unsplash

“You should really have her in swimming lessons, you know?”

Oh, sweet badger of fucks. Here we go.

Trying hard not to roll my eyes and use a sarcastic tone, I replied, “Why is that?”

My friend, Nicola took her eyes off her crazed two-year-old who was hitting another child in the play area, to look at me and say, “It’s a life skill.”

So is not being a little shit.

I glanced back at her child now kicking the slide and said, “I agree. I think it’s important that children learn how to swim….among other things.”

“Then get her started. I’ll send you the details of our swimming group,” Nicola stated before screaming her child’s name.

The kid ignored the calls of her mother and made her way over to my two-year-old, who was playing happily in the ball pit in front of us. Picking up a large green ball, she launched it at my child’s back.

She probably learned that in swimming lessons.

After comforting my child, who refused to leave my lap as The Punisher sat waiting for her return to the ball pit, I said, “I’m not starting her in swimming lessons yet, thanks though.”

“What?” Cried Nicola. “Why not?”

How about because I don’t fucking want to, Nancy?

“Because I already take her to three costly toddler classes a week and I have to work. I have taken her swimming a few times, just me and her,” I replied.

“But that’s not enough! You need a proper instructor,” Nicola exclaimed.

Oh, I didn’t realize you need a degree to tell someone to kick their bastard legs.

Inching closer to voicing my sarcastic inner monologue, I said, “I will take her to official swimming lessons when she’s a bit older. For now, I can teach her the basics.”

Well, I can if I buy a mom swimsuit with a suitable neckline so I don’t spend the whole time trying not to flash everyone.

Seeing the flabbergasted look on Nicola’s face, I added, “I do need to start taking…